Hi there, don’t be in a rush to read this blog post if you haven’t read about the tragic end of my so-so amazing friend, Da Fixer(The hidden cost of being Da Fixer 1).
If the post doesn’t shake the fundamentals of your identity, hang in there. I am about to break some terrible news to you, but since I do care about you, fuck your feelings anyway.
I know how terrible and guilty it feels when you so badly want to say “no” to people you love. And I definitely know how gut-wrenching it is to let go of one-sided relationships you’ve spent many years building. The reality is, trying to take hold of your life from a lifetime of pleasing people is a nerve-racking painful journey.
Here you are, reading a random guy’s blog post and thinking, “is he teaching me to become a selfish person?”
If there is one liberating brutal truth you have to take head-on, it’s this:
Humans at default are irrational emotional species. You basically have people who will be happy with an act of kindness, people who melt with just a smile and weirdos who get high from being abused. I could go on and on, but the line of thought here is- people are different and have varying emotional requirements. If your aim in life is to please everyone, you have set yourself on an impossible mission. You are never to complain, disagree and always comply. You are bound to lose yourself, your respect and your sense of being.
If this doesn’t sound crappy then here is why being a people pleaser is a terrible idea:
1. You breed dishonesty
If there is a 2-in-one word that fits a person who hides his true intentions, represses his true nature or feelings, always trying to avoid conflict in relationships, and always saying what people want to hear instead of what needs to be said, then “blatantly dishonest” is the word! The sad part is you aren’t only going to be dishonest with people around you but to yourself. And that mon
2. Feeling of worthlessness
If you find yourself trying so hard to fit into the ideals people set for you, you end up tying your sense of worth to their approval. Soon, you develop a deep-rooted belief, if you don’t do X to make them happy, they aren’t going to love you as much. Probably end up leaving you or rejecting you. This was the classical scenario Da fixer found himself in. He had to do more to please others because that was what his sense of worth was attached to. And that feeling of worthlessness was always lingering.
When your sense of worth becomes dependent on how much you please others you are on aDRC
3. Become a tool
Do you still habor beliefs everyone is on your side and wants the best for you? Purge your thinking! If you are on a mission to put the needs of others before yours, get ready to be manipulated emotionally and psychologically!
4. Not fulfilling your potential
Want to start something groundbreaking? Get ready to hear all the 1001 discouraging reasons why you can’t! Question is, who are you listening to? Yourself or the world? When your opinion of your talents and self-confidence is a reflection of what others think, you will believe you aren’t good enough to do great things. Guess what? Many people are okay with their miserable lives and will be happy you are just like them.
Loser in intimate relationships
In an ideal world, nice people should have the best of relationships right? The problem here is, nice people’s fear of conflict with their partners leads to a lot of pent up anger which manifests in explosive destructive ways. Denial of intimacy from a partner is a popular manifestation among married people.
What’s worse, nice people after a lot of failure in past relationships still think they can act extra nice to make the next one work. They enter relationships seeing their partners as “projects” to be worked on. This leads to controlling manipulative behaviours which push their partners away further.
Trust me on this, a bit of unsolved drama in relationships is healthy! You don’t have to agree on everything like in the movies.
6. Difficulty setting healthy boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries scares the shit out of “nice people”. Many nice people have a hard time saying “no,”, “stop,” or “sorry I can’t”. They often feel like helpless victims and feel a lack of control over their lives. Setting healthy boundaries is crucial to the preservation of long term relationships. Being able to say “No” isn’t a sign of disrespect but a necessary step in gaining respect from others.
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing othersbrene Brown
Da Fixer lived his life putting others before himself and lived to regret in his final hours. But truth is, many of us are living a watered down version of our lives in a bid to
Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse polled a number of elderly people on their deathbeds asking them about their deepest regrets in life. Taking
“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
Whose expectations do you choose to live for? There is a hidden cost of being Da Fixer!
Do share your thoughts on this post. Cheers, DrC.