I lived in a 3 bedroom flat with a lovely couple few years ago. Well not so lovely after all, as every Sunday mornings were filled with deafening moaning and cries that sounded like an audition for the role of Kunta Kinte in Roots. The sound of belt lashes and pleasure-warped cries were outrageously tight but it was Sunday gadammit, fellas!
Between April to October, sermons at church were blurry and my inner man so distant searching for answers, definitely not on how to work my salvation but rather fixated on “what the hell is this guy doing so right?”, “why isn’t mine giving half a moan at best? Was my stroke-game a poor man’s E minus?
These questions will be answered in a baffling revelation! Read on.
Strangely, what I failed to realize was that the real questions that needed answers read along the lines of “why do I want my partner moaning so loud?” and the ultimate question- “louder the moan, the better the sex?’
ORIGIN OF THE MOANING MYTH
Little did a 27-year-old Hugh Heffner in 1953 know he was about to revolutionize what people saw a social taboo into a menacing global phenomenon. With the publication of issue #1 of the Playboy magazine, which promised to show the world what the famous Marilyn Monroe looked like topless and with a see-through camel-toe, the world was thrown into a frenzy. This success would be the launchpad for the billion-dollar porn industry and the birth of a lethal slow-killing menace(pornography).
5.5 billion hours of porn consumption in 2018? Unbelievable! Given many don’t and won’t read good books, it won’t be surprising a lot of what people know about sex is based on pornography and movies. And guess what, it paints a different picture from reality.
Watch any on-screen depiction of female orgasm and you will get a fair idea of how women are “supposed” to behave during sex. From Netflix’s The Naked Director to your basic porn film, women in the heat of passion aren’t just shouting their ecstasy from the rooftops, they’re moaning with pleasure at unfriendly decibels. Just like my neighbours!
PORN AND MOVIES ARE SHAPING YOUR REALITY ABOUT SEX IN WAYS YOU AREN’T EXPECTING
Was there something we didn’t know about loud moaning during sex? The experts got curious and decided to research into it: “Why most women are extremely vocal during sex”. They dubbed the research “Copulatory Vocalization” and the results were shocking!
SHOCKING REASON WHY SOME WOMEN MAKE SO MUCH NOISE IN BED
Sorry to smash your bulletproof ego but it really isn’t that you are actually good nor is it because it uhmmm “feels” good. For men, you can’t bear to hide the grunts when you are balls deep buried in anatomical juice. For women, it’s a bit complicated. What do we say to these descendants of Eve?
Experts Gayle Brewer and Colin Hendrie of the University of Leeds published their study on the topic “copulatory vocalization”. They asked 71 sexually active heterosexual women between ages 18 and 48 for more details about vocalization during the three activities-masturbation, foreplay and intercourse. Most importantly, was vocalization a reflexive response to female orgasm and why all the noise?
It’s going to be a little hard to digest Gentlemen…
SHOCKER: The researchers found that many of the women who made noise were not having an orgasm!
Oh. Mi. God. Fucking savage man! All that hard work Bro! Here is a handkerchief for you.
So wait, all that moaning and pretending they’re orgasming is just so you feel good about your self? The shade.
“While female orgasms were most commonly experienced during foreplay, copulatory vocalizations were reported to be made most often before and simultaneously with male ejaculation,” the researchers wrote.
Wait, what? It’s all an Oscar winning performance? This is what Kristen Mark, a sexuality researcher at Indiana University had to say:
“There isn’t a lot of research in this area. But we’re bombarded with images through mainstream media that tell us moaning is associated with orgasm and sexual pleasure. So it would be a fairly wise faking strategy to moan since men already tend to associate moaning with orgasm.”
Finish faster! At least this one benefits both parties, right?
THE BRUTAL CONFESSION
Incredibly, a girl-friend of mine who came to live at my end while I was away, confronted my neighbour’s woman concerning all the loud moaning. And to quote her response: ” Well, I honestly don’t enjoy the sex. I do all that shouting so he finishes fast. It’s so painful. I have to do everything possible to get him to cum. Sorry, I disturb your night. I need money too.”
Fucking hell! The Kunta Kinte moan was all fake?
WHY FAKING ORGASM IS A BAD IDEA
“If you’re faking an orgasm, you are signalling to your partner that he is doing everything right, when in fact he isn’t,” sex educator and author Patty Brisben said. “Use moaning as a way of signalling that you are excited and things really are feeling good, not as a way to hide that they aren’t.
ALL THAT NOISY MOAN ISN’T BAD IN THE END
Vocalization during sex isn’t bad! Think about it, it can be a great tool to help women get what they want from sex instead of faking orgasms. Brisben said in an interview: “Use vocalization to teach your partner what feels good. It can help you say, ‘stop, go, yes, more please…”
Arrest your selfish ego lads. Just know, all that moaning isn’t for you. Brisbern explained: “I think there are many women who need to be vocal to help themselves achieve orgasm. It helps move them and their orgasm along.
WHAT FEMALE ORGASMS LOOK LIKE?
Photographer Alberti in his much-acclaimed “O Project” photographed 20 women who were getting themselves off with vibrators, and made a collage of each woman before, during, and after orgasm.
Shocked? Definitely not what pornography and the movies teach you huh?
The Big Q
What if your partner doesn’t moan at all or very little? Or maybe, just lying there like a dead fish. Understand women are different. Look at the facial expressions of the women in the “O Project”. So many variations! Well, just like mine back then, who only snapped her fingers(she must have seen Avengers several years ahead!), wriggled her waist and let out a subtle ooooooo, oooouch), all it took was an honest conversation.
I soon found out, she was shy about letting out her pleasure a.k.a getting vocal. And voila, we were back on track albeit, not to the extent of disturbing our neighbours.
Are you having honest conversations about your sex life with your partner? If you aren’t…
This is a bit of a hard call to make. Is she faking an orgasm or genuinely enjoying it? Trying to get you off real quick so she can continue her day? I can’t tell. It isn’t all lies in the end!
As they say ignorance is bliss? Enjoy her moans. And finally, gentlemen, for the culture, can we all make some noise too?
Happy Moaning! Life is precious. Safe Sex Always. Don’t forget RAW IS WAR!
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