I know of this super amazing guy, John Da Fixer. He is your quintessential cool guy. Hungry? He’ll surely provide a hamburger with buttered chicken wings. Broken fridge? Be sure he’s got the skills of Tesla to fix em. Relationship problems? He’s what Oprah would be with a bunch of testosterone and male genitalia. Whatever your problem was, be sure John Da Fixer has got the solution and readily willing to help no matter the circumstance.
Soon, time and tide caught up with him. John Da Fixer was poor and had nothing going for him in life. No matter how much he did for others, they never seemed to appreciate. They wanted more. John rationalized he wasn’t doing enough based on the fact that people weren’t reciprocating his willingness to help. Poor John grew old and weak, and on his death-bed, so sickly and barely able to help anyone anymore, took a quick glance across his room and realized, he had no food to eat, his fridge was broken, and most importantly had no one by his side. His wife had left him years ago.
It was then it dawned on him he had spent a majority of his life fixing people’s problems ignoring the glaring holes in his life.
Feeling sorry for John? Well, the party is over. John isn’t a real guy in my social circles. Neither do I know anyone by that name. But then John Da Fixer is an anecdote that describes a troubling phenomenon that affects millions of people around the world, affected me at a point in my life and could be affecting you reading this. This phenomenon is what Dr Robert Glover calls the “The Nice Guy Syndrome” in his book No More Mr Nice Guy.
THE NICE GUY SYNDROME
“Come on man, not studying tonight won’t kill you, jump in”. My forehead was drenching with few lines of sweat, a heavy lump in my throat. In a matter of seconds, I had to decide between leaving my books behind and joining my buddies to the club. “Come on, be quick!”, they pressed. A part of me was screaming “No Charles! Glue your bum and read. Then as if pulled by some dark forces, my reflex snapped. “Yeah fuck it, let’s go”.
That would be one of the worst decisions I would ever take, as the night turned to be a freaking nightmare. How to make a disaster recipe? Throw in drunk friends, a bunch of super horny club guys and a random guy who was bloodthirstily wanting to stab my life out of me. A narrow escape!
Why couldn’t I just say no? Why couldn’t I just walk away? Well, it turns out I was suffering from the Nice Guy Syndrome: a people pleaser aka “nice guy”. If you are like me or
Nice guys or people-pleasers live by this scripted code:
“If I do good every damn time, do everything “right”, people will absolutely love me, meet my needs, and my life will be problem-free.
How “Nice People” Manipulate
To pull this off, nice guys create a persona that fits the idea of how they wish to be seen in the eyes of people. Which could include, being known as “the cool girl”, “the caring one”, “the good guy”, “the respectful one” or in the Twitter-verse “most woke”. If you weren’t born yesterday, you do know humans have an untold number of flaws right? The question then is- how people-pleasers pull this off with all their flaws? Simple. They hide their true feelings, emotions and true intentions. Put on a freaking show.
CHARACTERISTICS OF NICE GUYS:
People-pleasers come in different shapes and sizes but have some universal traits. Are you wondering if you are a people-pleaser? Chances are if you possess some of these traits, you are one.
People pleasers are always on the lookout for people with problems and willing to solve them usually without being asked. This is typical of most guys in relationships. If their girlfriends are angry, the first thought is, “shit, it must be something I did!”. This precipitates a need to go any length to fix her unhappiness only to end up frustrating her more.
2. Seek Validation
All the actions of people pleasers are premeditated to gain approval from others. They do good, say things or act in a way to increase their sense of worthiness in the eyes of people and be accepted. A people pleaser will be the guy who will try crack to be accepted into a clique when it goes against their fundamental morals and values.
3. Repress Their Feelings
People pleasers have an instilled belief, openly communicating their feelings to others isn’t a good thing. They will prefer to smile in the presence of others and go home cursing. The nice guy is the typical guy who won’t tell a girl he likes her, yet checks up on her a thousand times a day and buys her gifts constantly hoping one day, she magically sees his undying love in the newspapers. Bullshit!
4. Always A
If being readily “accessible” and being available was a mutant power, be sure Nice guys will surely join the X-men. Nice guys will make time for the needs of others, but won’t make time for themselves.
5. Hide their mistakes or flaws
Nice guys are convinced people will stop liking them, or get mad at them if they show their flaws. It’s a game of keeping up appearances in their world.
6. Avoid conflict
Your typical nice guy is the person who will never have a differing opinion in matters, always going for the affirmative in hope of avoiding a misunderstanding. Life must be butter smooth. No conflicts.
7. People’s needs come first
People pleasers have a hard time making their needs a priority. They feel it is overly selfish to put their needs first. Putting others first must surely be a way to go to heaven huh?
The Deep Questions To Ask!
Are you holyshitting yourself, after reading these? If these sound like qualities you see reflected in your life or struggle with, then you are alone. People don’t even realize they have these worrisome qualities and that totally sucks.
Are you holding back on your dreams and talents for fear of being ridiculed by your peers? Are you scared of telling that girl you’ve been crushing on, “Hey, I like you. Thought I should let you know. Let’s hang out sometime?”
Worse, keeping up the fake smiles in the sight of your abusive boss or partner?
People-pleasing isn’t only a self-defeating quality but a sure trodden path to a world of what-ifs and regrets!
Check out the sequel to this post: Why Being A Fixer Is A Terrible Idea. Discover all the nasty things wrong with being a nice guy. Till then have an amazing day.
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