Bloodshot eyes from tear glands working overtime.
I would have you believe it’s because I’m always high.
But the truth is bloodshot eyes.
I’m always high because I’m always low.
I’ve hit rock bottom and now the voices are in full control.
It’s their way or the highway.
They’ve told me stuff, stuff I’ve heard once or twice. Maybe thrice or five times.
~Break a leg. Literally.
~Go to hell. Literally.
~Fall on your sword. Literally.
~Knock them dead. Literally.
You cannot come and kill yourself.
Actually you can, they say.
And so their way or the highway,
I’m choosing their way.
It’s been a long journey.
Maybe the day I lay down on the road to peacefully have a speeding vehicle run me over was the first time.
Maybe it wasn’t because I was no longer the last born and so almost zero attention.
Maybe it was a sign.
Maybe the time I placed my hands on the hot plate of the electric stove, I actually knew what I was doing. Burn those hands.
They’d been speaking all along. I just hadn’t understood how well I had been listening.
These days they say a couple of things I’ve also heard before:
~You’re not good enough.
~You’re failing in life.
~You’re not doing as well as your classmates from high school.
~You’re fat.
Ringing in my head non-stop, you’d think it was my mantra.
I’ve thought it through.
I’m scared of heights so I’m not jumping from 8 floors.
If I jump in front of a bus, somebody will probably save me.
I can’t get prescriptions so pills won’t cut it.
I’ll lock myself up and slit my wrists.
The voices agree. Oh wait, it was their idea.
They spur me on.
They’ve enlisted Charon, Hades’ ferryman.
I check my pocket, dammit I need a coin to pay for safe passage.
I remember my money box, so many coins.
“There’s nothing to live for!” – my suicide note I place on top of my money box.
“This is it.”
I take the knife and sit on the floor.
I hear footsteps approach.
Have to do it quickly.
The door opens and my brother barges in.
Julius! You don’t have to do this.
I do! I do!
There’s no point. This family would be better with me dead. My friends would be happier.
I will be at peace.
He says no. We can get through this bro. I promise you.
A part of me wants to believe. So I lower my guard and he grabs the knife, catches me unawares.
He hugs me.
It’s going to be alright he says.
…
Hello, my name is Julius and I suffer from depression and have suicidal ideation.
Today is October 10.
Sixth month in therapy.
I am doing better now.
I have people to talk to.
I take days off when I need to.
It’s okay to ask for help.
I cry sometimes and I know
I matter
I am not alone and
I am enough.

A lot of people will convince you dealing with your problems alone is a sign of mental toughness. Understand this: talking is essential. You just need to decide who will be most helpful to you. A professional is just a call away.
Dr. C
HealThePain. StopTheShame
It’s true that when some things are left unsaid , we do the world a great disservice by keeping mute. Kudos for saying it and saying it well. Looking forward to more life saving and well written pieces .
It’s a pleasure hearing from you Viv. Opening up to someone we can trust with our struggles goes a long way. Glad you made time to read. Cheers
A great story to share. Depression is real and many are dead whilst walking with us.
True, hearing people taking the healthy necessary steps to curb depression is a success story! Depression is real and a big menace. We really need to go out there and give people hope, that they too come over depression! There is so much in life for everyone despite the struggle. Cheers mate
Loooooooved it!!!!!!👏👏👏
I love this!!
Appreciate the love Kobi. We go again soon.
Good one there bro… Awesome… Wecome to the family
Thank you Obed, Forerunner-hood acknowledged. 👍👍
Oh wow! Wow! Wow! Insightful piece indeed! Kwame, i am so proud of you!!!
Eternally grateful and truly humbled. 🙌 Thank you Ruth.
Beautiful words for my soul. Would love to read whatever next you write, Kwame. Keep writing. And keep us updated yeah
Really appreciate this Elvis. Cheers to more updates.
Our Budding Psychiatrist has really found his niche! Great start or should I say great outdooring …..I know you are already doing great things!
Thank you Yvonne for the kind words. We’ll keep doing what we’re doing. 😊😊
I’m impressed Spada, 💪
☺️ Thanks Mimi.
It’s a great inspiration. Your words alone more enough than pills. Keep soaring higher
Truly humbled. Thank you Anthony.
Nice piece Kwams
Thanks James. 💯💯💯
It’s definitely going to be alright, wonderful piece. Thumbs up
Love the certainty. Thanks Marey.
I love this. I matter, it’s okay to cry and ask for help. Thanks Kwame.
And if this resonates in everyone’s head, this world will be a better place. Cheers Oluwabusayo.
Loved every bit of this post. When I go through hard times, I will always remember, Bad days happen, I am not alone. Such optimism and thoughtfulness. Keep churning out great stuff fon the blog. Cheers Kwame
Thank you Charles. Such optimism and thoughtfulness brightens the little corner we find ourselves in. Cheers.
You’ve just brought the sun out on a dark night, man! This is a top top quality piece that should encourage people to open up. Looking forward to more from you.
You and me both. I hope the rays reach everyone who needs it. Thank you 🙏
Great piece King Spada. Keep it up
Thanks Roo. Appreciate the love.
Like it alot. Grt work kwame. Looking forward to reading more from you
Looking forward to giving you more exciting stuff to read. Thanks Sabeel.